I Don't Understand
by ExoZadakh
Summary: Kairi is at her limit. Contains KHIII ending spoilers, some alcohol, and copious swearing.


"What the fuck was that?"

Kairi finished the bottle in one long swig, nearly breaking it as she set it down. Riku gently slid it away from her.

"I mean really: _what the fuck_?!" she shouted, waving her hands emphatically, if a bit randomly. "All this time, all the damn buildup, and _that's it_?! I know Nomura's an idiot but this is bullshit even for him!"

"No arguments here," Riku said, resting his head on one hand. "But, maybe we should—"

"Hey!" Kairi yelled to the barkeeper. "Gimme another!"

Riku sighed as Kairi grabbed the next bottle.

"'Another Guardian' my ass." She paused to take another drink. "Me training, that was the whole reveal of 3D's secret movie. Why do that if it's a damn red herring?"

"Well, it definitely made it an effective red herring."

Kairi groaned and pressed her face into the counter, still keeping her hand firmly around the bottle. "Uugh…Riku, did I miss something? Was there some other little thing that I just didn't see, and that'd make killing me off make sense?"

Riku set a hand on her shoulder. "Even if there was anything that could fix that bullshit, it'd need to be pretty damn big. No way we could've missed it."

Her head shifted so she could smile weakly up at him. "Thanks. You're a good friend, Riku…and that's another thing Nomura fucked up."

In one motion, she heaved herself upright and brought the bottle to her lips; when she was done she swayed slightly, her arm dangling limply next to her but not letting go. Riku did what he could to steady her.

"Heeeeeeey!" yelled someone sitting down on the other side of Riku. "Look who it is! Finally got your game out, huh? See you're having a good time celebrating!"

Kairi's dull gaze focused for a moment. She leaned across Riku and pointed at the stranger, saying, "Fuck you."

Riku had to react quickly to keep her on the barstool. "Hey, Kairi, he didn't—"

"Whoa, take it easy," the stranger scoffed. "Guess you shoulda left her at home like always, eh Riku?"

Now it was Riku who jabbed his finger in the stranger's face, his glare carrying a bit more menace behind it. "…Fuck you." Before he could get an answer, he waved to the barkeeper and said, "Put it on my tab! I'll be back in tomorrow to pay it off."

The barkeeper just nodded. Kairi said, "Wait, what?"

"You've had enough, Kairi," Riku said as he stood. "Any more and you'll have one hell of a hangover to deal with."

Kairi maintained eye contact as she took another drink. "Doesn't sound so bad."

"That's because you've never had one. Come on. I'm taking you home."

With one more grunt of protest, Kairi emptied the bottle and then moved to slide out of her seat. Riku was prepared, so she didn't hit the floor, but it still took her about a minute to find stable footing. With some help, she got her coat on, and then she slumped against Riku when she tried to take a single step, and more or less remained so as they struggled out the door and down the street.

"I'm not apologizing," she murmured.

"I didn't ask you to apologize for anything," Riku said.

"…Mmm, I guess not…"

She pulled her scarf up to try to defend against the night air. Or at least, that's what she tried to do, but she soon realized she had just pulled a few strands of hair up to her nose. It was then she began to secretly be glad Riku had cut her off. For a while they walked without saying anything—a few people they passed seemed to recognize them, but nobody approached. She was definitely glad for the space. They rounded a corner and stopped briefly, and her eyes drifted across the street. A store window there displayed a massive poster advertising Kingdom Hearts III.

Kairi pushed off of Riku to stand on her own. Riku stopped in mid-step, turning to ask but immediately spotting the ad. "Hey, Kairi, c'mon. We should keep moving."

She didn't answer. She didn't move. She just stood and stared blankly at the poster, feeling a deep, dark _something_ stirring, starting to rise up through the sea of alcohol she'd tried to drown it in.

"Kairi?"

It broke the surface. And all at once, she was devastated by a typhoon of sadness and disappointment and rage and failure and self-loathing. The tears exploded out just as violently, and she lost her balance, falling to her knees.

"Kairi!" Riku shouted, rushing over to grab hold of her.

"Wh…what did I do wrong…Riku?" Kairi wailed between sobs. "What did I…"

Riku wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "You didn't do anything wrong! None of this is your fault, Kairi."

She pressed her face into his shoulder, muffling her crying. She thought she'd already been through the worst of it. But no, now it was all back—now it felt _worse_. She was powerless against it, and it all just came pouring out of her. It seemed to last for an eternity, but eventually, eventually, it began to lessen, and her composure slowly came back to her. But it didn't stop, not really—it just sank away to lie in wait again. Riku helped her up and over to a bench, and she slouched there as her sobs grew more infrequent.

"…I just don't understand," she mumbled. "I _can't_ understand it. Everything made it look like this was going to finally be my chance…my _only_ chance…and I not only don't get it, but…"

She ran her hand up over her face.

"Nomura just killed me off…just so Xehanort can do what he wants, just to motivate Sora. Maybe it doesn't stick, but what's to stop him from doing shit like that again? I'm still treated like nothing but a plot point. That's all I'm ever going to get to be."

She made a fist, pulling on her hair as she did.

"And it was just so…casual. It just _happened_. They didn't even try to make it dramatic, they just glossed right over it. I didn't…I didn't even get to speak…Sora's the only one who was allowed to react, and then everyone acts like it didn't even happen. Why?"

"There isn't a good reason," Riku said. "I'm sorry, but…there just isn't."

Kairi leaned forward, sobbing a few more times. "Riku…I'm so fucking sick of being tossed around like unwanted baggage. And now, what hope is there that that's ever going to change? This game was supposed to be THE big event, and I got fucked all over again! Nomura doesn't give a shit about me—he never did, and now it's clearer than ever." She let out a very long sigh. "…If even Nomura doesn't care about me…then why should anyone else?"

Riku took her by the shoulder. "Kairi. _I_ care about you."

She faced him, still looking miserable. "I appreciate it, Riku—I appreciate everything you've done, but…"

"Listen to me, Kairi. Just because that son of a bitch doesn't know what he's doing, that doesn't mean no one cares about you. There are still plenty of people out there who love you, who know that you deserve better than this shit and are going to cheer when you're finally treated better."

" _If_ ," Kairi mumbled. "Be honest with me, Riku. Do you really think Nomura's ever going to do any better? When he already sells millions of games doing what he's doing?"

Riku averted his gaze.

"…Yeah." She took a deep breath. "And don't get me wrong: it means the world to me that you're trying, but…I just…don't think I can be cheered up right now. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Riku said. He thought for a moment. "…Alright. I won't try to force you to feel better. But Kairi…if nothing else, remember that there _are_ people who love you. Okay? Nomura fucked up, but there _are_ people who realize that. People who realize he screwed you over, and are furious about it, because they love you, and they're eager to see good things come your way."

Slowly, Kairi nodded. "Okay."

"Good. Because you know…as long as there are people who love you, then hope for you isn't _completely_ gone."

Kairi paused. Giving something like a harsh chuckle, she said, "Yeah…I guess Square has made a point of cramming in as many fan-favorites as they can…"

"Exactly! You're not out yet."

She wiped her eyes and cleared her throat. As she moved to stand, Riku immediately came to help her, but she waved him off, determined to do it herself. Once she was upright, she began to shamble down the sidewalk. Riku stayed right next to her.

"…I really hope something changes," Kairi said. "I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"No matter how long it takes, I'll be here for you," Riku said. "And you'll still have a crowd of other people rooting for you too."

Kairi nodded. It was nice to think about, even if it didn't stop her from feeling miserable. Nice enough that she was able to keep going.

* * *

Notes:

-I loved Kingdom Hearts for a long time. Now I fucking hate it. And I would've told you that even before what they did to Kairi in this new game! But, still, I wanted some kind of closure (and to see just how bad it was), so I looked up the ending, and, well…I am upset. So this is me trying to cope with it, by showing Kairi try to cope with it, I guess? I don't know, I kind of acted on a whim here. The thing is…I don't really think Nomura's ever going to get his shit together and treat Kairi as a character. So the way I see it, the best I can do is make it clear that I love the character, and hate the writing, because for as long as I can remember _a lot_ of people have just gone ahead and hated the character, and that bothers me. Kairi has potential. Nomura just doesn't know how to write. Iterating that makes me feel like, if nothing else, she's been given that much acknowledgement.


End file.
